Brandon Clarke Vezmar may be onto something.
Who, you may ask, is Brandon Clarke Vezmar?
He is our hero of the moment.
Vezmar is suing a woman for $17.31 because she texted repeatedly during a movie on their very first date. His lawsuit alleges that she "activated her phone at least 10-20 times in 15 minutes to read and send text messages" during a showing of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 at an Austin theater.
Vezmar said he asked her to stop texting and put away the phone. Instead, she got up, left the theater and didn't return. Ticket price for the couple was $17.31.
Now, you may think Brandon's lawsuit is frivolous and doesn't belong in court. You might be right, but at least it's a nonviolent response. After all, who among us has not fantasized about grabbing a phone out of an idiot's hand and hurling it against the wall like a Yu Darvish fastball?
The legal term "alienation of affection" comes to mind. Try sitting through dinner while the rest of the family stares at their phones between bites of mystery-meat nuggets? Affection gets alienated.
Remember the time you got excited about a television program and really wanted to share the experience with your significant other? Five minutes into the program, they bow their head and you've lost them to the phone.
We are researching whether current law allows us to sue Apple or Samsung for alienation of affection. We hope so. The lawsuit, somehow, might help reconnect you with your sulky 13-year-old daughter. As far as you know, she hasn't spoken a complete sentence since she unwrapped the $800 iPhone you gave her last Christmas.
Your lawyer could subpoena her to give a deposition in the case, and you could be present to glean some insight into her life.
Lawyer: So, Brandi, whazzup?
Brandi: (eye roll and deep sigh) This is so stupid.
Lawyer: We just need to ask why you prefer your phone over your parents.
Brandi: Because my phone's not stupid. Duh!
Lawyer: Do you think Apple is responsible for alienating you from your family?
Brandi: What does "alienate" mean? I'm bored.
On second thought, maybe lawsuits aren't the way to reconnect with phone-obsessed family members or punish dates who text during a movie. The better strategy might be to spend more time alone.
Think about it. When you're with a phone-obsessed person, you're really alone anyway.
Brandon Clark Vezmar's date insisted she didn't do anything wrong during the movie.
"I had my phone low and I wasn't bothering anybody," she said. "It's wasn't, like, constant texting."
That's, like, what they all say. We hope he recovers his $17.31 -- plus interest.