Phone number, please

I have noticed that some of the large chain stores ask for your phone number when you check out. At first I told them it was none of their #$%$ business. And, if I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t have told them that much.

I’ve mellowed in my old age and started giving them my home number. When nobody called but roofing contractors, siding salesman and politicians wanting money, I knew something was up.

Consequently, I started giving them bogus phone numbers. For a while I gave them the county morgue phone number. Then I switched to the county jail book-in desk.

Recently I revisited a store and the checkout clerk recognized me. She said that the last time I was in they could not read the amount on the check. When they called the phone number I provided she said it was the county jail.

She almost passed out when I told her that I had been in jail for forgery and passing worthless checks, but had since been released on good behavior. When she regained her composure, I told her I had a new number. I then gave her the phone number of the local Social Security Office. I have been calling that number for five years and haven’t talked to anyone yet.

Dwight Crawford,

Sanger