Break Room

When I was a kid helping my dad put up Christmas lights, I knew that one day my own house would have a dazzling display. A display so amazing that traffic would back up in front of my house as people landed their flying cars to get a better look.

Yeah, I thought there would be flying cars by now. My dreams of playing pro basketball and visiting the moon also evaporated over the last 30 years. But the dream of creating my very own Christmas-lights masterpiece?

Still very attainable. But still very far away as I look out at my front-yard display, which consists of seven strings of miniature lights. Six are currently working.

Here’s the deal. It turns out that planning a decorating extravaganza is much easier when you’re a 6-year-old holding the ladder for your dad. Back then, all I had to do was help unpack the lights and not step on them, which I unfortunately would do, followed by my dad’s Christmas-decorating tradition of taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Now I know how complicated decorating can be. Lights stop working, lights get tangled, and there are never, ever enough extension cords. It’s enough to change my decorating plans from stunning and spectacular to sparse but speedy.

It also makes me appreciate and admire the people who have truly spectacular Christmas lights. I love seeing those displays and hearing my kids shriek with excitement.

So to encourage more of these displays, and to help me enjoy as much holiday dazzle as possible without buying more extension cords, I’ll share some decorating tips I’ve learned over the years. I hope they will help you create a display that neighbors flock to with their kids, with their friends, or with letters from a court ordering you to “cease and desist.”

First of all, do not skimp on lights. A simple guideline is that for every square foot of yard you are decorating, you should have twice as many lights as your neighbor.

Next, test the lights. If the lights don’t work immediately, there’s no need to panic. Simply check the bulb connections, and if the lights still won’t turn on, shake the string violently for a few seconds. If this doesn’t work, shake the lights again while screaming at them. Many older twinkle lights, especially sets of 50 or less, can be intimidated into working.

Then it’s time to decorate. Use small and large lights, blinking and steady, to create a holiday glow so intense that it’s burned into people’s memories — and retinas. If Wayne Newton knocks on your door and asks for directions to the showroom, you’re off to a good start.

You don’t need a ladder. And don’t climb on your roof, because that’s asking for a painful and embarrassing fall that will grant the wish of the neighborhood gossiper. Just put the lights up as high as you can, and then maybe throw a string of lights toward some high tree branches.

Some people like clear lights and some people prefer colored, but if you really want to make your home look warm, festive and ready for gamblers, use both. This will also provide more light to the centerpiece elements of your display, such as a dancing Santa who appears to have the drug-withdrawal shakes or a large plywood painting of a cowboy saying, “Merry Christmas, y’all!”

Of course, it’s possible to go a little overboard with the huge lawn decorations and inflatables. There’s no strict rule on this, but here’s a guideline:

If Rudolph’s red nose appears to light the way for the three wise men to find the baby Jesus, who’s in a stable that includes SpongeBob SquarePants wearing a Santa hat and playing guitar, it’s probably time to rein in the festiveness.

But for the most part, the more lights, the merrier. If you worry that people might think you’ve forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, put out a sign that says, “Jesus is the reason for the season.”

And then put some more lights around it.