Forget football. Our country's real national pastime engages more players, moving in more directions, while maneuvering not one but hundreds of balls.

The sport: Christmas tree decorating. And the race is on.

We women are dashing to crafts stores, pushing each other out of the way for the last box of burgundy ornaments, and dog-piling on the only remaining miniature white twinkle lights. When we yell, "Score!" it's because we've found a collectible Radko ornament on sale. All to bring home and hang on a dying old sap.

Then we slow-dance with a tree that feels like a porcupine with rigor mortis and dress it funny. I'm no psychologist, but I believe the reason spouses and kids don't listen when women tell them what to wear is that they've seen what we do to Christmas trees.

Motivating us to pursue this extreme sport are the neighbors. Just when we think our tree looks pretty good, we go to, say, the Swansons' house. Their tree is wrapped in gold lamé, is dripping with Swarovski crystals, has lights that flicker like real candle flames, twirls in place and sings "Oh Christmas Tree." The Hoffmans' tree has an electric train running through its branches and around a village made of hand-carved Dickens characters. We vow to do better.

Which is why, at my house, the once peaceful family ritual of tree trimming, has turned monomaniacal. We start out well. We make hot cider and play holiday music. A football game is on the television.

At halftime, my husband does the lights. Soon, he's redder than a Santa hat and holding up progress because the lights are tangled; he can't find any strands that light from one end to the other, and the game's back on. My children then hear all the words he learns from football, and I don't mean "touchdown!"

After we've consumed so much hot cider that the whites of our eyes are amber, the girls and I start with the base layer of ornaments, about 200 matching glass balls that I insist get hung in pairs.

"Clumps of two!" I say, moving an ornament someone has spaced too far from its neighbor. The older daughter twirls a circle around her ear, intimating that I'm crazy, and says, "OCD," to the younger. I'm used to this. Because I'm picky, my family says I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

We turn at the sound of a glass ornament meeting the stone floor. And we're not even to the fun ornaments yet. Soon, I'm decorating the tree by myself, while the girls are hanging stockings near the fireplace.

Somewhere in the next room, my husband is yelling, "Get 'em! You loser!" over the lyrics of "Deck the Halls" and the occasional sound of breaking glass. Ahh, Christmas. Let the games begin.

To help you compete in this year's Christmas Tree Olympics, I called Chicago floral and tree designer Tatiana Chelekhova. She says the most important considerations are lighting and a color scheme. Here are her ground rules:

Light it right: Great Christmas trees glow from the inside, Ms. Chelekhova says. Too often, people wrap lights around the tree. (Guilty!) Instead, wrap lights around branches starting from the outside and moving in toward the trunk. Arrange strands so the plug ends connect to the center. Affix a power strip to the main trunk to ground light strands.

Exercise color control: Hang ornaments in one or two colors. Go for silver, or silver with pink. Or mix a jewel tone with a metallic, such as royal blue and gold. You may have to ruthlessly edit ornaments, but the result is worth it. Carry the theme color into other holiday decorations.

Add texture: Mix shiny ornaments with matte ones, or velvet bows with silk flowers. When decorating, put shiny ornaments in the tree's interior and duller ones toward the surface, smaller ornaments high, larger ones low.

Top it off: Take spools of wire-edged ribbon in your theme color and tie the ends together to create a large bow for the top of the tree. Let the ends trail over the tree to the floor. Bend waves in the ribbons so they ripple.

Skirt the issue: When you're done, wrap the tree base in a festive skirt that ties in to the theme.

Marni Jameson is a syndicated columnist who lives in the Denver area. You may contact her through www.marnijameson.com.

E-mail home@dallasnews.com

FRIDAY IN HOME

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